8-23-04
It's disappointing that my days are simply mundane and boring. I could provide a laundry list of what I did today.
Woke up around 7:30
Ate and listened to the radio until 11
At 11:00 I played a few hours of Lock N' Load over Vassal. (a java based Internet Advanced Squad Leader client) The game itself was one where I managed to turn a dominating early lead into a complete rout... of my forces. (My capacity to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, a common motif in my life, look for it, remember it, there will be a test on this later folks.)
At around 2:00 I played Doom III for a bit.
At 3:30 I went to the Coffee Bean to do a little bit of “work”... such as what I am writing now.
What I will do for the remainder of the day is a bit too tenuous and ephemeral to make into a laundry list of but can be described adequately as thus.
I will write for a few more (wasted) hours at the Coffee Bean, then I will go home, eat a meal and pack up my “swim gear” for tomorrow morning's workout, and after all that I will play more Doom III.
I'm looking at my life right now, and asking myself, is this it? [Well to be honest its more of an act of whining to myself] I'm not one of those pretentious existential goth-wannabes who expects all of life to be some kind of unending font of human experience, and lacking that subscribes to the idea that life is nothing but a worthless, unceasing pit of suffering and meaninglessness. [OK honesty check: I am no longer one of those existential goth-acting kids, not anymore, though I like to think I still carry on the torch of pretension]. What I think is missing from my life is the hit of the sublime. For me life doesn't need to be experienced on the Razor's edge at all times to be full and meaningful. I find the little sublime transcendental moments to suffice in regards to a full life. The little things, like a having a pretty girl smile at you, (well not that exactly, but being able to maintain long enough eye-contact match the color of her eyes and her smile to the turbulent browns found in a summer rip-tide is one of those moments), suddenly having an epiphany on how to perform a certain DDR song, or sitting back in a beat up Toyota with a half tank of gas, blasting some really loud music, somewhere between Los Angeles and San Diego and having the realization that you really really really like driving. The fucking little things...
The issue with me is that those moments have been few and far between lately. I've been trapped in this (pardon me for using this metaphor/analogy for the Nth fucking time) “Boy Interrupted” rut for the last year or so, and along with a quasi depression/cyclothymia where I just go into either futzes of anhedonia or a wired mania. It's strange when you have friends who feel the need to remind you to smile when your drinking at a bar, or who will call you the next day to apologize to dragging you out to an event that they thought bored you, when in reality you had a good a time as any other.[“No really I had a good time... I did... No I wasn't bored... No I'm always this reserved and silent in public... you know me].
I say this a lot, but I'm in great need of some life change. Of course I say this every other week. And I never do anything about it... I guess its just because I don't know what to do.
